Always Hungry

 

Vegetarian friends and folks, please weigh in!

So B and I are on our 5th straight day of being vegetarians. So far, so good. No uncontrollable urges, no weeping fits over missing pork chops, and instead of dreaming about them at night, I only drool a couple of seconds now over photos of fried crab. Whew.

One thing I’ve noticed, though, is this: Every time we eat, I feel like I haven’t really eaten anything. Which makes me snack more often than I did before. Which means: That myth about vegetarians being thin? Might not work on me.

Of course, it could very well just be a period of adjustment, and eventually, my body will get used to the fact that it’s not getting any fatty animal parts and will therefore stop asking to be stuffed. In the meantime, I’m crossing my fingers, drinking lots of water and chanting that comforting phrase that we all chant when we’re at the end of our ropes and wits: This too, shall pass.*

*BTW, did you know that this phrase actually originated from a Jewish folk tale involving King Solomon? Here’s the story, according to Wikipedia:

One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah Ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, “Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives you six months to find it.” ”If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,” replied Benaiah, “I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?” ”It has magic powers,” answered the king. “If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy.”Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister a little taste of humility. Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the night before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day’s wares on a shabby carpet.”Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?” asked Benaiah. He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile. That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. “Well, my friend,” said Solomon, “have you found what I sent you after?” All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled. To everyone’s surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, “Here it is, your majesty!” As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: gimel, zayin, yud, which began the words “Gam zeh ya’avor” — “This too shall pass.” At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust.

Why Gourmet Magazine Should Hire My Friend, Melissa

My writing friend Melissa just got her hours cut. But I’m not worried–someone as fabulous, intelligent and hardworking as she is ought to find a better opportunity in no time. At least, I hope!

Heniweys, she’s been keeping a kick-ass blog, Cooking Gourmet, to track her attempt to cook all 1,300 recipes in the Gourmet Cookbook. Sounds good, but wait `till you see the pictures. Thank goodness we don’t live close by, or I just might not be able to go vegetarian. Kidding. Somewhat.

Her most recent post is an open letter to Ruth Reichl, Editor-in-Chief of Gourmet Magazine. It’s hilarious, but also spot-on. If I was Ms. Reichl, I’d definitely give her a shot. (And oh, Ms. Reichl, perhaps you need a veggie columnist too? Vegetarianism is fast-becoming the current trend, I hear.)

With Melissa’s permission, here’s the post:

Melissa Needs a Job, or Oh Ruth Reichl, Don’t You Need a Freelancer?

All good things in life must come to an end, and although my primary, wonderful job has not come to a COMPLETE stop, it’s a shell of its former self and that, my friends, is why I’m letting you know that Melissa, Your Most Faithful Correspondent, needs a job. Sooner rather than later.    

I know, join the crowd at the food pantry. But hear me out, folks– I’ve got mad skilz in the cooking department, and I’m also a pretty snappy writer. DON’T YOU THINK that makes me perfect for working at someplace like, oh, Gourmet Magazine? 

So here’s an open letter to Ruth Reichl. Feel free to chime in with your support in the comments section and you too can tell Ruth how awesome I am.

Dear Ms. Reichl,

I know, it’s a total long shot. And it’s true that it might be perceived as a conflict of interest that I’m cooking through your massive, beautiful yellow cookbook, reviewing recipes in a contentedly unbiased fashion, unpaid by Gourmet, or Conde Nast, or whoever your corporate overlords are. 

But I have a beautiful capacity to take money and be unbiased. In fact, I would make a great politician. And don’t you want a column featuring things like my upcoming adventure tenderizing octopus in my washing machine? I think you do. I am sending amazing psychic brain waves to your apartment to that effect.

(Ruth….you need a columnist…a funny one…octupi + washing machines = increased readership…you’ll probably get a raise…)

Are my amazing psychic brain waves working? Not yet? OK, well, how about this: when you invite me to NY for an interview, you don’t even have to put me up in a hotel room because my in-laws live on Long Island. See? I know how to save money.

(Hire Melissa…but not to dust, she’s a terrible duster…)

Hey, Amazing Psychic Brain Waves, whose side are you on? It’s not that I’m a terrible duster, it’s that I don’t SEE dust. My mascara has these dust-filter thingies. In fact, dusting is the next thing on my list to do. Here’s my list:

1. Beg for job
2. Dust

(Ruth…you also shouldn’t hire her to clean out the cat litter box…)

OK, look. If the job is Columnist + Office Duster, I’m probably not your gal. And I doubt you have a litter box in your test kitchen (although, have you seen those joke cakes? In a (new) litter box, with bran cereal and Tootsie Rolls mooshed up to look like…you know? I’m sure the Gourmet Test Kitchen has never turned out anything like that, and Readers, I’d like to assure you that The Gourmet Cookbook does NOT feature anything that even remotely resembles Tootsie Rolls mooshed up to look like cat doody.)

Here are ten other good reasons to hire me:

1. I don’t snore, except when I’ve had too much to drink, which is only when I get laid off from jobs.

2. I am brilliant at giving tours. When you come to Gloucester to meet me I’ll take you to the Crow’s Nest and explain how it fits into the fishing industry while we drink beer and play pool.

3. I suck at pool, which means you’ll probably win.

4. I’m good at poker, though, so consider yourself forewarned.

5. I also don’t really drink beer, I’m more of a Bombay Girl. Well, Gordon’s when I’ve had my hours cut.

6. Even though I’m a cat person I also like dogs, when they’re Good Dogs. In fact, I’m in love with the Cocker Spaniel who lives next door. His name is Leo. The fact that I’m in love with him has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that his owner is a cute musician. I’m already married to a cute musician. One is enough.

7. I can do a headstand.

8. And a backbend. Well, kind of.

9. I am learning karate so if you ever get attacked by a mugger while we’re walking down the street I will kick his ass. But you have to wait a few years for this side-benefit of hiring me. Right now I can only stomp on feet. I might be able to break a nose.

10. I can speak enough French and Spanish to be able to get into trouble in foreign countries with my non-comprehension of what they say back. Think of how much fun it would be to travel with me.

There, ten excellent reasons. I can come up with more. Don’t make me do it.

Ruth. Call me.

978 879-9120

Yours sincerely,
Melissa

P.S. Crazy people, DO NOT call me. Unless you are offering me a job with health insurance, retirement benefits, and vacation pay. Because as we all know, being crazy and being able to offer a job are not mutually exclusive.

————————–

And here is my recommendation letter:

Dr. Ms. Reichl,

This brief comment is to attest that yes, Melissa Bach Palladino is all things wonderful and it is to your and Gourmet’s best interest to welcome her to your team.

Aside from the 10 convincing reasons she mentioned above, I would also like to add one crucial point: Melissa is drop-dead gorgeous, and as columnists go, that’s definitely a plus. Who knows, you might even get more men subscribing to your magazine, even if they don’t make any attempts at cooking. Women too. Because I’m sure Gourmet is all about non-discrimination and equal opportunity.

Should you need to contact me, please don’t hesitate to call (386) 338-XXXX. Although be forewarned, hubby and I rarely pick up. You know, annoying relatives and all.

Sincerely,

This Little Piggy

Liked this post? Agree that Melissa is all that and more? Then please Digg this or leave a lovely comment on Mel’s blog. Who knows? We might just help her get Gourmet Magazine’s attention.

Heat May Spark World Food Crisis

It’s hard to think about heat and drought when one has to wear four layers of clothes and to keep a fire going all day just to be able to function in semi-comfort. But yes, I do recognize that while we’re trying not to freeze in our own tiny corner of the world, people in other corners are likely experiencing other extremes. What’s more, staying comfortable could very well be the least of their concerns.

In a new report, US scientists warn that half the world’s population could face a food crisis by 2100 due to extreme climate conditions. 2100 seems so far away–I know B and I would be six feet under by then–but for the kids who are just now being planned or born, that’s in their lifetime. 

“The stresses on global food production from temperature alone are going to be huge,” said Mr Battisti, a professor of atmospheric sciences, in an interview with BBC. ”And that doesn’t take into account water supplies stressed by the higher temperatures.”

Dr Geoff Hawtin, director general of the International Centre for Tropical Agriculture (CIAT) and a former executive secretary of the Global Crop Diversity Trust, says that because we don’t know at what speed the growing season temperatures will rise, it’s crucial to act as quickly and efficiently as possible. ”We don’t know where the tipping points are,” he told BBC News, “they could come quite quickly.”

What can we do about this? Lots. Such as:

First, you can read the full article here, to get a better picture of the problem.

Second, let’s each do our part in conserving crucial natural resources, like water. Without water, we’re all kaput. And with the exponential increase in human populations, combined with drastic changes in the environment due to global warming and other causes, the earth’s water supply is fast-approaching the red zone. For ideas on water conservation, clicky here.

 

Third, if you can’t eliminate meat from your diet (and that is your right and choice), then please do consider cutting down on your intake. Raising huge quantities of animals for consumption destroys top soil crucial for farming and contributes to global warming. As I mentioned in a previous post, if we ate the plants we feed to animals, it will help solve the world’s food crisis.

Cheers, and thanks for listening.