Why Gourmet Magazine Should Hire My Friend, Melissa

My writing friend Melissa just got her hours cut. But I’m not worried–someone as fabulous, intelligent and hardworking as she is ought to find a better opportunity in no time. At least, I hope!

Heniweys, she’s been keeping a kick-ass blog, Cooking Gourmet, to track her attempt to cook all 1,300 recipes in the Gourmet Cookbook. Sounds good, but wait `till you see the pictures. Thank goodness we don’t live close by, or I just might not be able to go vegetarian. Kidding. Somewhat.

Her most recent post is an open letter to Ruth Reichl, Editor-in-Chief of Gourmet Magazine. It’s hilarious, but also spot-on. If I was Ms. Reichl, I’d definitely give her a shot. (And oh, Ms. Reichl, perhaps you need a veggie columnist too? Vegetarianism is fast-becoming the current trend, I hear.)

With Melissa’s permission, here’s the post:

Melissa Needs a Job, or Oh Ruth Reichl, Don’t You Need a Freelancer?

All good things in life must come to an end, and although my primary, wonderful job has not come to a COMPLETE stop, it’s a shell of its former self and that, my friends, is why I’m letting you know that Melissa, Your Most Faithful Correspondent, needs a job. Sooner rather than later.    

I know, join the crowd at the food pantry. But hear me out, folks– I’ve got mad skilz in the cooking department, and I’m also a pretty snappy writer. DON’T YOU THINK that makes me perfect for working at someplace like, oh, Gourmet Magazine? 

So here’s an open letter to Ruth Reichl. Feel free to chime in with your support in the comments section and you too can tell Ruth how awesome I am.

Dear Ms. Reichl,

I know, it’s a total long shot. And it’s true that it might be perceived as a conflict of interest that I’m cooking through your massive, beautiful yellow cookbook, reviewing recipes in a contentedly unbiased fashion, unpaid by Gourmet, or Conde Nast, or whoever your corporate overlords are. 

But I have a beautiful capacity to take money and be unbiased. In fact, I would make a great politician. And don’t you want a column featuring things like my upcoming adventure tenderizing octopus in my washing machine? I think you do. I am sending amazing psychic brain waves to your apartment to that effect.

(Ruth….you need a columnist…a funny one…octupi + washing machines = increased readership…you’ll probably get a raise…)

Are my amazing psychic brain waves working? Not yet? OK, well, how about this: when you invite me to NY for an interview, you don’t even have to put me up in a hotel room because my in-laws live on Long Island. See? I know how to save money.

(Hire Melissa…but not to dust, she’s a terrible duster…)

Hey, Amazing Psychic Brain Waves, whose side are you on? It’s not that I’m a terrible duster, it’s that I don’t SEE dust. My mascara has these dust-filter thingies. In fact, dusting is the next thing on my list to do. Here’s my list:

1. Beg for job
2. Dust

(Ruth…you also shouldn’t hire her to clean out the cat litter box…)

OK, look. If the job is Columnist + Office Duster, I’m probably not your gal. And I doubt you have a litter box in your test kitchen (although, have you seen those joke cakes? In a (new) litter box, with bran cereal and Tootsie Rolls mooshed up to look like…you know? I’m sure the Gourmet Test Kitchen has never turned out anything like that, and Readers, I’d like to assure you that The Gourmet Cookbook does NOT feature anything that even remotely resembles Tootsie Rolls mooshed up to look like cat doody.)

Here are ten other good reasons to hire me:

1. I don’t snore, except when I’ve had too much to drink, which is only when I get laid off from jobs.

2. I am brilliant at giving tours. When you come to Gloucester to meet me I’ll take you to the Crow’s Nest and explain how it fits into the fishing industry while we drink beer and play pool.

3. I suck at pool, which means you’ll probably win.

4. I’m good at poker, though, so consider yourself forewarned.

5. I also don’t really drink beer, I’m more of a Bombay Girl. Well, Gordon’s when I’ve had my hours cut.

6. Even though I’m a cat person I also like dogs, when they’re Good Dogs. In fact, I’m in love with the Cocker Spaniel who lives next door. His name is Leo. The fact that I’m in love with him has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that his owner is a cute musician. I’m already married to a cute musician. One is enough.

7. I can do a headstand.

8. And a backbend. Well, kind of.

9. I am learning karate so if you ever get attacked by a mugger while we’re walking down the street I will kick his ass. But you have to wait a few years for this side-benefit of hiring me. Right now I can only stomp on feet. I might be able to break a nose.

10. I can speak enough French and Spanish to be able to get into trouble in foreign countries with my non-comprehension of what they say back. Think of how much fun it would be to travel with me.

There, ten excellent reasons. I can come up with more. Don’t make me do it.

Ruth. Call me.

978 879-9120

Yours sincerely,
Melissa

P.S. Crazy people, DO NOT call me. Unless you are offering me a job with health insurance, retirement benefits, and vacation pay. Because as we all know, being crazy and being able to offer a job are not mutually exclusive.

————————–

And here is my recommendation letter:

Dr. Ms. Reichl,

This brief comment is to attest that yes, Melissa Bach Palladino is all things wonderful and it is to your and Gourmet’s best interest to welcome her to your team.

Aside from the 10 convincing reasons she mentioned above, I would also like to add one crucial point: Melissa is drop-dead gorgeous, and as columnists go, that’s definitely a plus. Who knows, you might even get more men subscribing to your magazine, even if they don’t make any attempts at cooking. Women too. Because I’m sure Gourmet is all about non-discrimination and equal opportunity.

Should you need to contact me, please don’t hesitate to call (386) 338-XXXX. Although be forewarned, hubby and I rarely pick up. You know, annoying relatives and all.

Sincerely,

This Little Piggy

Liked this post? Agree that Melissa is all that and more? Then please Digg this or leave a lovely comment on Mel’s blog. Who knows? We might just help her get Gourmet Magazine’s attention.

Heat May Spark World Food Crisis

It’s hard to think about heat and drought when one has to wear four layers of clothes and to keep a fire going all day just to be able to function in semi-comfort. But yes, I do recognize that while we’re trying not to freeze in our own tiny corner of the world, people in other corners are likely experiencing other extremes. What’s more, staying comfortable could very well be the least of their concerns.

In a new report, US scientists warn that half the world’s population could face a food crisis by 2100 due to extreme climate conditions. 2100 seems so far away–I know B and I would be six feet under by then–but for the kids who are just now being planned or born, that’s in their lifetime. 

“The stresses on global food production from temperature alone are going to be huge,” said Mr Battisti, a professor of atmospheric sciences, in an interview with BBC. ”And that doesn’t take into account water supplies stressed by the higher temperatures.”

Dr Geoff Hawtin, director general of the International Centre for Tropical Agriculture (CIAT) and a former executive secretary of the Global Crop Diversity Trust, says that because we don’t know at what speed the growing season temperatures will rise, it’s crucial to act as quickly and efficiently as possible. ”We don’t know where the tipping points are,” he told BBC News, “they could come quite quickly.”

What can we do about this? Lots. Such as:

First, you can read the full article here, to get a better picture of the problem.

Second, let’s each do our part in conserving crucial natural resources, like water. Without water, we’re all kaput. And with the exponential increase in human populations, combined with drastic changes in the environment due to global warming and other causes, the earth’s water supply is fast-approaching the red zone. For ideas on water conservation, clicky here.

 

Third, if you can’t eliminate meat from your diet (and that is your right and choice), then please do consider cutting down on your intake. Raising huge quantities of animals for consumption destroys top soil crucial for farming and contributes to global warming. As I mentioned in a previous post, if we ate the plants we feed to animals, it will help solve the world’s food crisis.

Cheers, and thanks for listening.

Best Vegetarian Scene in a Movie?

Jonathan Safran Foer rocks. Everything is Illuminated rocks. Understanding the future through our past rocks. And yes, being vegetarian rocks. Rock on!

The above is a scene from the film, based on a book with the same name, written by Foer. Here’s a summary:

With only a yellowing photograph in hand, a young man – also named Jonathan Safran Foer – sets out to find the woman who might or might not have saved his grandfather from the Nazis. Accompanied by an old man haunted by memories of the war, an amorous dog named Sammy Davis, Junior, Junior, and the unforgettable Alex, a young Ukrainian translator who speaks in a sublimely butchered English, Jonathan is led on a quixotic journey over a devastated landscape and into an unexpected past.

As their adventure unfolds, Jonathan imagines the history of his grandfather’s village, conjuring a magical fable of startling symmetries that unite generations across time. Lit by passion, fear, guilt, memory, and hope, the characters in “Everything Is Illuminated” mine the black holes of history. As the search moves back in time, the fantastical history moves forward, until reality collides with fiction in a heart-stopping scene of extraordinary power.

An arresting blend of high comedy and great tragedy, this is a story about searching for people and places that no longer exist, for the hidden truths that haunt every family, and for the delicate but necessary tales that link past and future. Exuberant and wise, hysterically funny and deeply moving, “EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED” is an astonishing debut.

More details

Everything is Illuminated: A Novel

By Jonathan Safran Foer

Published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2002

ISBN 0618173870, 9780618173877

276 pages

P.S. If you know of any other good or funny movie clips about vegetarians, thanks for letting me know!

What Kind of World Do YOU Want?

I love, love, LOVE Five for Fighting. Unlike what the name suggests, it’s actually a one-man band, and that man is singer/songwriter John Ondrasik (On drah sick). According to his Web site, John has spent the past decade writing deeply personal songs that include social messages, invoke the human spirit and make an emotional connection. He has released best-selling albums like Message for Albert (1997), America Town (2001), The Battle for Everything (2004) and Two Lights (2006), as well as chart-breaking songs like “Superman,” “100 years,” etc.

Perhaps my most favorite song of his, though, is “World.” Every time I hear it, I end up raw and on fire. Check out the following video from YouTube:

In February of 2007, John launched a unique charity-driven Web site,whatkindofworlddoyouwant.com that raises money for various charities when users view video clips provided by visitors to the site. Current views are over three million with approximately three hundred thousand dollars donated. 

Do check it out! Watch, upload a video, share the link. Pass the good stuff on, and let’s help make this world the kind of world WE would like to have–if not for us, then at least for our children. One can hope, right?

Lyrics to World

Got a package full of wishes
A time machine, a magic wand
A globe made out of gold
No instructions or commandments
Laws of gravity or
Indecisions to uphold
Printed on the box I see
A.C.M.E.’s Build-a-World-to-Be
Take a chance, grab a piece
Help me to believe it

What kind of world do you want?
Think anything
Let’s start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now…

Should there be people or peoples
Money, funny pedestals for fools who never pay?
Raise your army, choose your steeple
Don’t be shy, the satellites can look the other way
Lose the earthquakes, keep the faults
Fill the oceans without the salt
Let every man own his own hand
Can you dig it baby?

What kind of world do you want?
Think anything
Let’s start at the start
Build a masterpiece
Be careful what you wish for
History starts now…

Sunlight’s on the bridge
Sunlight’s on the way
Tomorrow’s calling
There’s more to this than Love

What kind of world do you want
What kind of world do you want
What kind of world do you want
Think anything
Let’s start at the start
Build a masterpiece
History starts now
Be careful what you wish for
Start now!

P.S. What kind of world do YOU want, reader? Do drop me a line and let me know. From my side of the globe to yours, namaste!

Pharaoh, Pharaoh

Unless you live even further out into the boondocks than we do, you’ve likely heard of the food pyramid. Health organizations like the USDA (United States Department of Agriculture) usually put them together as a guideline on what people should eat, and in what quantities, to stay healthy. It’s not a do-or-die list, but it’s helpful nevertheless. Especially when you’re faced with a smorgasbord of mouth-watering choices at the party table.

Here’s the food pyramid for people who eat meat:

And here is a food pyramid for people who don’t eat meat:

 

Looks pretty similar, doesn’t it? The only thing different is that the meat has been replaced by nuts, seeds and various legumes (veggies). Which means that whatever nutrients are in meat (and apparently, there isn’t much) can easily be replaced by other food sources. Whew! Good to know. Makes me want to burst out into song:

Pharaoh, Pharaoh
Ooooh, baby
Let the red meat go
(the white meat too)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Okay! I’ll stop singing. Now will you please put down that tomato?

It’s Not Trash. It’s Art.

New York artist Joshua Allen Harris has created some fantastic street art by tying plastic shopping/garbage bags to subway grates/air vents. They inflate with subway air, but only when a metro train rushes through the tube. This is just so cool on so many levels, it makes me happy. Check `em out:

More on YouTube.

Play. Blow. Eat.

What is something that you play with, blow on and eventually eat? Apparently, the answer is not what you’d expect.

I don’t really understand how heita3 does it, or everything he says, but I was amazed just the same. His parents probably didn’t tell him not to play with his food…thank goodness!

Here, he introduces his veggie instruments, which he calls “ocarina*”:

Here, he plays “Angels We Have Heard on High” on a broccoli:

Here, he plays “Mary Had a Little Lamb” on a mushroom:

But he doesn’t just stick to veggies. Here, he plays “London Bridge is Falling Down” on an apple:

If you want the full yowza! effect, though, check out the group that inspired him–The Vienna Vegetable Orchestra. Now that’s really wow. Founded in 1998, the Vegetable Orchestra plays concerts all over the world. They play diverse music styles–contemporary music, beat-oriented House tracks, experimental Electronic, Free Jazz, Noise, Dub, Clicks’n'Cuts. The musical scope of the ensemble expands consistently, and recently developed vegetable instruments and their inherent sounds often determine the direction.

Here are just two of their performances (check out YouTube for more):

Amazing, isn’t it?

*According to Wikipedia, the ocarina (IPA: /ɒkəˈriːnə/) is an ancient flute-like wind instrument.While several variations exist, an ocarina is typified by an oval-shaped enclosed space with four to twelve finger holes and a mouth tube projecting out from the body. It is often ceramic, but many other materials, such as plastic, wood, glass and metal (Ed’s note: And apparently veggies and fruits!) may also be used.

Just Call Me SuperWoman

 

In just one click, I helped fight world hunger, global warming and cruelty to animals–plus, I made a pledge that will undoubtedly help me stay slim and sexy (or at least, that’s what hubby tells me). How? By signing up for PETA’s 30-Day Veggie Pledge. Here’s what they say on their site:

Every year, more than 15 billion animals are slaughtered for food in the U.S. alone. Each of those billions of individual animals is denied everything that is natural and important to them: the space to take a few steps, love, safety from fear and pain, companionship, the joy of being able to nuzzle their young, and often even protection from the cold. That’s billions of feeling beings who die frightening, painful, and often violent deaths so that they can be thrown into a bucket or a box or onto a sandwich.

In 2009, will you please consider the suffering of each of the animals killed for food and pledge to try a vegetarian diet for just 30 days?

For every person who signs the Pledge to Be Veg for 30 Days through the end of January 2009, PETA will make a donation to a program to plant fruit trees in an impoverished village where people go hungry every day. These people would benefit from the vitamin C and other natural goodness of the fresh fruit that you would be helping to provide. So not only will you be helping animals, you’ll also be helping to nourish a hungry person.

The trees that you will help plant will also provide shade and shelter. They will reduce carbon emissions and allow rainfall to soak into the ground instead of washing away precious top soil. But the connection between your diet and the environment doesn’t stop there.

A U.N. report summarized the devastation caused by the meat industry by calling it “one of the top two or three most significant contributors to the most serious environmental problems, at every scale from local to global.” By planting these trees, we will work together to mitigate some of the devastation caused by factory farms.

By taking the Pledge to Be Veg for 30 Days, you will be helping animals, the environment, and those who are hungry, and you even get to do something terrific for yourself—get more energy, cleaner arteries, and a chance to live a longer and fitter life! Sign the pledge now, and we’ll send you great tips and resources to get you started.

Ready to sign? Clicky here. Hubby signed up too. I’d ask Clark Kent to hand over his cape, but I found out he’s also vegetarian. Good ol’ Clark. So we’ll just share the air space. Up, up and away!